Changing a defiant 13-year-old's behavior

My 13-year-old daughter cursed at me when I asked her to clean her room. I'm a single dad. How should I handle this?

If your reasonable request that your daughter clean her room is well-timed - meaning not during the last 10 minutes of an hourlong television program she's been watching, for instance - she should comply the first time she's asked, says Jeffrey Felixbrod, a behavioral psychologist in private practice in New Hyde Park.

It's common for adolescents to hesitate or have an attitude. But if your daughter is showing such severe incidences of disrespect, consider reaching out for professional guidance to help you change her behavior, Felixbrod says. "She's learned to get what she wants through negative behavior," he says. That needs to be unlearned.

You can essentially retrain her through a systematic and consistent course of action, Felixbrod says. "There have to be useful, positive rewards for listening and nonphysical, non-yelling consequences for not listening," he says. Rewards can be earning the privilege of going to events or access to electronics or computer games, and they should be accompanied by praise.

Consequences should first include a timeout, even for a teenager, meaning banishment to a boring place for a set amount of time. If she resists that, the consequence should be more severe, such as losing cell phone privileges. It can take six months to change an adolescent's behavior; professionals can help you come up with a plan and stick to it, Felixbrod says.