Clunky remarks heighten her grief

DEAR AMY: As I have worked to clear out my parents' home and settle their affairs since their passing, I've been hearing over and over, "Now you're all alone in this." At the funeral, several people stated this. They fail to finish the thought, which is, "and I'm sure glad I'm not you." It's exhausting to come up with graceful responses when I really want to say, "We're all alone, Toots." Every now and then, you provide a little public-service reminder about manners, so could you do so now? To be kind, all that's really needed is, "Boy that's a lot for anyone to handle." Really, folks, just a little empathy helps most of us feel less alone.

Grieving

DEAR GRIEVING: Losing a parent can feel like being plunged into an emotional whirlpool. Your irritation over these statements about your solitary status may say more about your emotional state than about the people who are trying, in their clunky way, to comfort you.

When people say, "Now you're all alone in this," you assume they are being condescending. But let me suggest that when people say this, they are empathizing with you. They are acknowledging that they realize this is a hard, lonely journey, and it's a journey no one can take for you.

Don't be too hard on people who show up for a funeral and who try to say something -- anything -- in the moment. Very few people get this right. Death throws everyone into a bit of a tailspin.

I am currently reading "The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping With Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents," by Alexander Levy (1999, DeCapo Press).

Levy says there is no particular, correct or stage-driven way to manage this loss. Grieving is a messy, irrational, painful process. And, yes -- it is lonely, so one way to respond to a statement like this would be to acknowledge it and ask for some help.