Don't ignore roommate's smoke signals

DEAR AMY: I am a freshman at college. My roommate and I get along, but often when I come into our room I catch whiffs of marijuana. If my roommate is caught with marijuana, I can get in trouble as well. However, I cannot be sure he is actually smoking in the room. How can I broach the subject without seeming accusatory? -- Fearful Freshie

DEAR FEARFUL: The next time you come into the room and smell pot smoke, you should simply ask your roommate, "Do you smell that? I think I smell pot." You are correct about the impact of your roommate's behavior on you. Smoking anything - cigarettes, cigars or marijuana - is very likely against the rules in your dorm. If your roommate says he smokes, ask him not to do it in the room. If this problem escalates, see your dorm's RA.

DEAR AMY: "Disappointed" wrote to you because she wanted to host a family birthday party for her 1-year-old baby. Her parents and in-laws bailed, and her husband told her she was crazy and overreacting. Was it necessary to rip into her like that, Amy? What's wrong with celebrating her child's first birthday and requesting the presence of the grandparents?! Both gave lame excuses for not wanting to attend. This mom has every right to be upset with her disrespectful family, and yet you said she was "completely freaking out." After reading your insensitive answer, I'm sure she now feels worse than ever! I want to tell Disappointed that she's not wrong for loving her child and wanting his family to celebrate his first birthday together. Hey, Amy, it sounds like this struck some kind of personal chord with you, maybe? -- Mother of Three

DEAR MOTHER: Many people thought I was too hard on "Disappointed," who demanded that both sides of her family attend her child's birthday party, even though doing so involved family members getting on airplanes to make her day complete.

In the letter, Disappointed said her husband had been ill and that his parents had been there frequently to attend to him during his illness. They told Disappointed they were exhausted and didn't want to make another trip to attend the party.

This didn't seem "lame" to me. I guess it did strike a personal chord.

My perspective is that sometimes what is happening with one's parents is more important than what is happening with one's children - certainly when a child is celebrating a birthday that is not actually about the child, but all about the parents.