Don't keep dad's secrets from the kids

DEAR AMY: After 20 years of marriage and three children, it turns out that my alcoholic husband is gay. He has been with dozens of men over the course of two decades. I have been a dutiful wife and good mother who never saw it coming. I've divorced this man, and I am picking up the pieces of my shattered life. My oldest child (18) knows the truth; the younger ones, ages 9 and 12, do not. Currently my "ex" is sleeping with a married man who also has children. That man's wife is a close friend of mine. Should I tell her? Also, when, if ever, should I tell my younger kids the truth about their dad? He will not tell them.

Distressed

DEAR DISTRESSED: You should tell your friend what is going on, and you and she should be tested for STDs.

You should tell all of your children a version of the truth now and leave the door open for further talks. If their dad is involved with someone your family knows well, there is every possibility the truth (or a rumored version of it) will circulate in your community and possibly their school.

You should disclose their father's alcoholism.

Tell your kids you are worried about their dad and that you hope he will get some help.

Say he has a lot to work out. You can say, "He decided he wanted to be with other people instead of just me, and that's why we're getting a divorce." You should disclose their dad's sexuality when you think they're old enough to understand it.

They may hear about this and figure it out, so it's best if you truthfully answer all their questions. Do your best to be honest, calm and reasonable when you are with them.

This is a tall order when you are hurt and betrayed.

Your entire family would benefit from talking with a counselor, together and separately - because each of you will respond differently to this challenge.