Facing resentment worrying about kin's obesity

DEAR AMY: I recently traveled to a family wedding with my only brother, who is in his mid-50s. He and his wife (both PhDs) are morbidly obese, and, unfortunately, he has suffered medical complications of his obesity: hypertension, joint replacement and heart disease.

He spent most of the time on our trip complaining about aches and pains, his difficulty walking and the small size of airline seats. His pain not only makes him miserable but makes the rest of us miserable, too. He resents any discussion of weight or fitness, so when others talk about walking or exercising, he believes these are criticisms directed at him. Several years ago, I made the error of telling him about my success on a diet and exercise program (after he commented on my looks) and he still resents me for this. His unhappiness is evident. He won't speak to his doctors about his weight, and everyone pretends weight isn't a problem when it is killing him. I have kept my mouth shut for the most part, and I would like to spend time with him, but, as you can imagine, it isn't pleasant. Have you a suggestion?Baffled Brother

DEAR BAFFLED: Your brother is sensitive about his weight and bullying others into silence.

Because you just saw him, you could try to address this in an e-mail, saying: "I was so happy to spend time with you, but I continue to be worried about your health because you mentioned having various aches and pains during the trip. I hope you'll talk to your doctor about your health problems and let me know if there is anything I can do to help." He will have to learn how to handle his own sensitivity without controlling other people.

You can't control his attitude. The most you can do is ask him about it.

If he displays an extreme sensitivity to this topic, you could ask him, "Why does this bother you so much?"