Fears fiance's reaction to sis at wedding

DEAR AMY: My fiance and I have set a June date for a small wedding with just family and very close friends. We are both in our 50s, and it is his first and my second marriage. I do not want his sister to attend. He suffers from low self-esteem and has spent his entire life angry that she is stronger, better-looking, happier and more successful than he is. He also feels that their parents prefer her and treat her better. The last time I saw them together, we had invited his parents out for a meal. She was not invited, but the parents brought her along, and he visibly withered, developed a migraine and was unable to participate. It is my understanding that he responds this way whenever she is around, like a turtle withdrawing into his shell. He has consented to have a wedding rather than elope because I want my family and friends around me. It's important to me that his parents attend. But I do not want his sister to attend because her very presence upsets him. I have only met her two times, and we got along very well on those occasions. How should I handle this?Standing by My Man

DEAR STANDING: You don't mention discussing this with your fiance. Does he not want his sister to attend his wedding? How does he feel about his parents attending? Your advocacy on his behalf is admirable, but he should also advocate for himself. The way you describe this, his sister is not a toxic person; she is simply herself, and he could (and probably should) work harder to accept her as she is, the way he would hope for the people in his life to accept him.

His sister will be in his life forever, and if he can work out his feelings about his sister he could attain a more balanced perspective, which would ease his anxiety and suffering.

He could benefit from counseling to help with his self-

esteem and family issues. You should both pursue premarital counseling to define and refine your respective roles.