Find a way to break the ice at temple

DEAR AMY: My mom died last year, and according to Jewish custom, it's appropriate to go to temple for 11 months to recite the Kiddush. We are not members of a temple, so my husband and I visited a few before selecting one that appealed to us. After months of regular attendance at one temple, no one ever introduced themselves or welcomed us. Was it our place to introduce ourselves to the rabbi and members of the congregation? Or are we just to assume that this congregation is not interested in having us as fellow members?Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: I shared your query with Rabbi David Sandmel of Temple Shalom in Chicago. We agree that the only definite assumption to make is that this particular congregation doesn't have its act together in terms of welcoming new members -- and your shyness isn't helping. Sandmel says, "Most congregations have greeting committees, either formally or informally, and they make a point to introduce a new person around. But in a larger congregation, people don't always know who is new or isn't new." We agree that you bear some social responsibility to also make an effort to be friendly. He adds: "This could be a reality check for the synagogue to improve. If you've been going for a while, there must be something you like there, so this is an opportunity to build upon it. It would break the ice for you, and it would offer a constructive piece of criticism."

DEAR AMY: My daughter wants to have only her closest friends at her special party celebrating a milestone event. However, she is invited to a casual friend's special (also milestone) party a month beforehand. I think she should decline to attend this friend's party so she won't feel awkward turning around and excluding this friend from her own party a few weeks later. She agreed she would rather do this than enlarge her own guest list. Do you think this is the right thing to do? Is it OK to go to someone's party even if you aren't reciprocating the invitation?Wondering Mom

DEAR MOM: I'm not sure I'd qualify the exclusion solution as "the right thing to do." I think the right thing to do is to accept invitations with grace, attend and be a wonderful guest, and not see everything as a quid pro quo.

Your daughter absolutely has the right to invite whomever she chooses to her party -- but if she attended this other party, it's possible that her opinion of this other person might change. She might have a good time -- or simply help someone else mark a milestone, which is a nice thing to do.