Getting kids to open up post-divorce

DEAR AMY: My family needs help talking with children (ages 7 and 11) involved in a divorce. The older one refuses to engage in a discussion about the changes happening or what the future holds. He just closes his eyes and is silent. But he is becoming prone to angry outbursts. Counseling did not help; he just "shut off" the counselor. The younger child seems unfazed by the family changes but, again, there is no discussion. We need help starting the conversation, helping the kids to express what they're feeling. Joanne

DEAR JOANNE: The most important factor during this time of transition is how the parents interact. You should provide a peaceful environment with as few changes to the daily routine as possible.

My own instinct is not to push to have conversations with either child when you want to have them, but to be open to conversations when they seem to pop up out of nowhere -- in the car, for instance -- or just before bed.

Eleven-year-old boys are masters of subterfuge. They can't always express their emotions, so they flail about, angry at a world they cannot control. The older child's anger makes you very uneasy, but these outbursts are appropriate, in a way.

After an outburst, stay calm. Encourage him to identify and articulate his feelings in an appropriate way. Ask open-ended questions. How does he feel just before an outburst? Can he describe the physical sensations he feels when he's getting angry? He is also anxious. Where will he be next weekend? Who will pick him up from soccer practice? Reassure him that both parents will be in his corner, always. Acknowledge that this is a tough time for everyone but that you'll get through it together.

A book you'll find helpful is, "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way" by M. Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski (Random House).