Grandchild acts out for attention

DEAR AMY: My daughter is an amazing woman, and she is great with kids and adolescents. Right now, however, as the mother of three, she has a decidedly complex set of relationships to deal with. Recently, I dropped off the middle child after spending some time with him. I watched the oldest (a very strong, athletic girl) lay into him because he sat on the baby's scooter. She seemed enraged, and holding a padded sword over his head, she said to him very angrily, "I could kill you if I wanted to!" I didn't know how to deal with this. Would it be good for me to mention it to my daughter? Would I be interfering too much? I worry about how to be connected with the kids. I don't want to make things difficult or favor one child over the other. The middle child seems much more in need of attention than the oldest. How can I help?

--Concerned Gran

DEAR GRAN: There is a realistic limit to what an enraged adolescent can comprehend in the moment, but there is nothing wrong or intrusive with reacting honestly when you see something you find disturbing. You should have said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on here? Honey, you need to put that down." Then you guide your granddaughter aside and tell her, "I am really shocked. You should never threaten to kill someone. Do you understand what I'm saying?" You could assume that she was jealous about her brother's alone time with you and was acting out in a way that was completely inappropriate.

Your granddaughter is the oldest child, and oldest children (especially girls) often feel they are in charge of their siblings. Mainly, this is a good thing -- until she turns into Xena, the warrior princess.

You should tell your daughter about this and ask for her opinion on what you should have said or done.

Your next outing should be with the oldest granddaughter alone. She is crying out for her gran's attention.