He feels brunt of wife's frustrations

DEAR AMY: My wife has a tendency to take her frustrations out on me, to the point of lecturing me (loudly) about things that I have not even done. For instance, if she is upset or frustrated by something one of our grown children has done, she will take it out on me. She also gripes about our relationship in front of our 5-year-old. Once she gets going, she doesn't seem able to stop. I try to get her to stop, but recently had to "talk over her" in gibberish just to get her attention, which just made her angrier. She says mean and hateful things, such as, "Let's get a divorce" or "I'm moving out," in earshot of our young daughter. Often she regrets her actions after she calms down, but she seldom really apologizes. She won't discuss it, though she will send a text saying she's sorry. Sometimes she will say we need counseling, but not mention her other issues. I can agree to counseling, but it never happens. Any suggestions?Hurt Husband

DEAR HURT: I receive so many letters from young people who report how frightening it is to hear one parent (or both parents) fight.

This is damaging not only to your relationship but to your child's sense of self.

There is a violence to this sort of interaction that affects children on an almost cellular level. Some kids react in the moment by becoming extra charming; some run and hide; some pretend they're unaware of it.

In the moment, you can say to your wife, "I think you should take a walk to cool down and we'll talk about this later." Your wife's shame about this means she has some awareness. Follow up and say: "I'm worried. We simply have to find another way to interact, especially in front of our child. She deserves better." You and your wife also should speak with your daughter. You owe her an explanation, an apology and reassurance that none of this is her fault.

Make an appointment to see a counselor and invite your wife to go with you.