He wants divorce, but not the blame for it

DEAR AMY: I've been putting off a divorce for far too long. I've been married for 25 years. My wife had an affair early in our marriage and we worked things out with counseling. Two years ago, I caught her having another affair, but for family and health reasons, I did not divorce her. We put on an act for others, so no one knows how bad our marriage is. Now my two children are in college, and I want a divorce. My kids love their mother dearly, and she is a good mother. Even though I am seething, I do not want to do anything to hurt my children but I also don't like lying. I don't want them to blame me for the divorce if I don't tell the real reason. We have a lot of family in town, and my wife and I work in the same field. What do I tell family, co-workers and my children about why we are divorcing? My wife doesn't want to tell anyone she is an adulterer, but that's not my concern.Soon to Be Ex

DEAR EX: In the old days, the injured party could legally charge a cheating spouse with adultery. The concept of "no-fault" divorce obscures the fact that frequently there is fault.

Given the absence of charging your wife or forcing her to wear the letter "A" in the town square, the only question you need to ask yourself -- and answer honestly -- is, "What would be gained by telling people my wife cheated on me?" By telling, you would attain the righteous position of being the victimized party.

But assigning fault doesn't really change anything, and this disclosure might devastate other people. Being the injured party isn't satisfying for very long.

You do not owe it to your wife to protect her from her own behavior, nor do you owe anyone an explanation for what is essentially a private decision. You can say, "We put up a good front, but we feel it's best for both of us if we split." Make sure your kids know they are loved beyond measure, now and always.

Don't react out of anger. Take time to make the most ethical decision.