Coronavirus forces families to grieve at sparse, 'feelingless' services

Pepper Bonay-Martin almost didn’t make the guest list for her father’s funeral.

Only 10 people — including the funeral director and two pallbearers — were allowed in the Harlem facility due to regulations imposed by the state because of the coronavirus. That left seven spots open and “my family is huge,” says Bonay-Martin, of Massapequa.

Keeping up with the restrictions and finalizing the list — which had to then be submitted to the funeral director — took almost two weeks. Absent on that list of names were in-laws, cousins, grandchildren, nieces, nephews and friends.

“We had to start calling people in the family and explaining not to come, that they couldn’t get in,” said Bonay-Martin. “The whole planning process is surreal.”

This is funeral planning in the age of the coronavirus. Social distancing and restrictions on public gatherings have forced families to drastically modify their funeral plans or miss services altogether.  

“In light of the constantly changing directives, some families are considering new options they might not have previously considered,” said Richard O’Shea, president of the Nassau-Suffolk Funeral Directors Association.  

These options include keeping funerals limited to immediate family, gathering solely at the graveside, and postponing memorial services.

Cheri Berry Jones expected to send her father, an Air Force veteran, off with military honors as well as a tribute commemorating his work as a New York State trooper. However, when Donald Berry died on March 18, the family was only able to do a private service with immediate family at the funeral home.

“Due to the circumstances, they encouraged us not to have a full funeral due to restrictions,” said Jones, of Farmingdale. “I was very upset we couldn’t give him the proper burial he deserves at this time. It hurts.”

When the pandemic ends, Jones is hoping to give her father a more fitting memorial service at Pinelawn Memorial Park — complete with New York State trooper honors and Air Force honors, including the presentation of the flag to her mother.

“The funeral home said that down the road, because he was a veteran, we could have a [ceremony] with all our loved ones and family and friends,” said Jones. “Eventually we can give him the send-off he deserves.”

To accommodate the 50 person maximum, Steve Graziano, a manager at Krauss Funeral Home in Franklin Square, said they have been planning to let visitors come in specified time slots.

“What we’re probably going to start doing is let a certain amount of people in at a time,” said Graziano. “They can stay for 10 to 15 minutes and then they have to leave.”

The funeral home has also put in hand sanitizing stations and wipes, as well as put up signs at the entrance that ask people not to come in if they are feeling ill.

Mathai Mathew of Albertson was not able to be physically present at the funeral of his longtime friend, Matthew Cherian, however, he was able to watch it via livestream.

“I feel terrible I cannot go. Though my heart is aching that I cannot see his body and be part of his service, I respect the orders from the authorities that I should not go under the circumstances,” said Mathew.

On Wednesday, the Diocese of Rockville Centre announced they would no longer be holding funerals, but would be offering burial services only at grave sites while maintaining “safe distance precautions,” diocesan spokesman Sean Dolan. 

During funerals at the Islamic Center of Long Island (ICLI) in Westbury, visitors typically come an hour before to sit with the bereaved family and share memories of the deceased. At a funeral last week however, approximately 100 family and friends stayed in their cars until the prayers were set to begin. After prayers — which as per usual were held in an outdoor courtyard and lasted only five minutes — everyone was told to go back to their vehicles and return home. Many people attended wearing masks, as well as gloves.

“The whole social aspect was taken away from the event,” said Habeeb Ahmed, president of the ICLI. “We basically just did the minimum required religious ritual and everyone was on their way.”

Services have become “feelingless,” says Bill Goode of Goode Funeral Home in Amityville. He must now do crowd control in addition to helping families through their grief.

“How do you hug or hold onto your loved ones? How do you do that from a distance? People are upset already and you’re telling them they can’t hold their loved ones,” Goode said.

The physical nature of funerals was one of the main hindrances for Corine Caliendo. The Bayport resident is undergoing chemotherapy treatments for cancer and was advised by her doctor that attending her aunt’s service in New Jersey would be too risky.

“The day of the wake and the funeral, I really wanted to be able to say goodbye to her. She had been a very big part of my life … it was very hard,” Caliendo said. “We all need to grieve in different ways and part of the grieving process is being able to say goodbye.”