How can she stop her mother's cruel refrain?

DEAR AMY: I hope you can help me. My mother and I have a generally warm and close relationship, and I consider her one of my best friends. Like many mothers and daughters, we occasionally fight. Ever since I was a child, even small fights have ended the same way: She tells me I am a miserable, nasty person and says I will end up alone. Although this has been a pattern for years, it still pains me deeply, and I lapse into a funk for days after one of these arguments. I don't know if those are her true feelings or just ammunition, but either way, I just can't tune out her words. I've tried every approach to get her to drop the speech, but she won't listen. Is this how mothers and daughters normally fight? Am I right in asking her to stop? She refuses to discuss it or try group therapy, and she is not suffering from any psychological or mental disorders. AC

DEAR AC: This is not "normal" behavior. You claim to have tried everything, including, I hope, speaking to your mother about this during a calm and noncombative moment.

You might ask her, for instance, if someone in her life at some point spoke to her this way. Is she repeating a pattern established by her own mother? Did she and her mother argue? Has someone in her life put her down in this way when things got uncomfortable? It's not necessary to pull your mother into therapy, though a counselor might help you come up with new strategies to cope with this unhealthy dynamic.

I suggest you anticipate this particular cruelty and try to prepare yourself. You say you can't tune this out, so the next time this dynamic seems about to happen, you can place your hand gently on your mother's arm and say, "Mom, that's hurtful, and I hope you don't mean it. Let's try to move on, OK?"

Practice this - or a version of this you are comfortable with.

Responding differently may scramble this established pattern and compel her to be more civil.