Ignored wife needn't accept loneliness

DEAR AMY: My husband and I have been married for 24 years. He does a great deal of business development for a large firm. He is becoming increasingly involved in numerous community groups, explaining that this is how he builds relationships and, ultimately, clients. He is home Sundays and two or three evenings each week. When he's home, he sits at the computer for hours, responding to hundreds of e-mails and reading Facebook sites. I feel incredibly lonely when I see the great relationships he maintains with people, whereas, all I get is a tired, stressed and distant husband. We haven't had a sexual relationship for several years, and I wonder why I stay with him. I've told him how I feel - and we've done counseling twice - but he says I should leave if I don't like it. We live in a modest home, don't travel and have kids in college.Lonely

DEAR LONELY: Your husband's response to your concern about your relationship is disrespectful and doesn't offer you any room for discussion.

"If you don't like it, then leave" is not the answer offered by someone interested in growing in a partnership with you.

If your husband approached your relationship with the same energy he spends cultivating his business clients, you would have a much healthier marriage.

Managing your loneliness is your responsibility, however. You would feel less lonely if you became more engaged in friendships and community events instead of hoping for attention your husband has no intention of offering.

Counseling would help you develop strategies to deal with this painful reality. Pursue it on your own.

You may conclude that leaving this union is the answer for you, but leaving won't ease your loneliness. You need to develop the tools to live an active and fulfilled life - with or without him.