Key to mother-in-law's woe may be medical

DEAR AMY: About 10 years ago, my father-in-law told my mother-in-law he wanted a divorce. My wife describes her parents' marriage as a loveless union, though her father is a great dad. My mother-in-law ended up with the house, part of his pension, etc., but her bitterness has not abated, and she has taken to accusing her former spouse of entering her home and helping himself to her possessions. She works part time and is out of the house for a couple of hours a few times a day. Although her ex-husband lives about 60 miles from her, she insists he enters the house when she is working. She has had the locks changed at least four times (she insists he has a "master" key). She has reported specific days when she "knows" he was in her house, even though we know it was impossible because he was hundreds of miles away on those days. She calls my wife a couple of times a week about this and is driving my wife crazy, with screaming matches over the phone that inevitably end with my wife in tears. I told my wife that her mother is manipulating her, trying to get her to declare exclusive loyalty. Short of ending her relationship with her mother, I don't know what to tell my wife to put an end to this nonsense. Any suggestions?Had It Husband

DEAR HUSBAND: You have concluded that this behavior is a deliberate manipulation. I think it's possible that your mother-in-law may have some sort of cognitive impairment. Her paranoia and confusion should worry, rather than enrage, you.

Your wife does not need to engage with her mother about this because she knows her mother's accusations are not accurate. The first and most important response she should give is to take her to get a thorough medical checkup.

If all medical reasons are ruled out, your wife should disengage by saying, "I don't want to talk about this with you, Mom. Let's talk later."