Let down by friends in a time of need

DEAR AMY: I am having a hard time forgiving my friends and could use some help. I have what I thought was a great circle of friends -- five couples who do a lot of family things and take vacations together. We usually get together every week or so. I thought I could count on them, but last week I had surgery and not one of them called me to wish me luck or even to check up on me afterward! It has been a week and, except for one Facebook comment, not one of them has called to see how I am feeling, much less offer to help with meals or car pool or shopping. I simply can't believe it. I feel so abandoned. I'm not sure how I am going to get over it or how I will react when I speak to them next. Any words of wisdom for me?Shopping for New Friends

DEAR SHOPPING: Being let down by friends is a unique sort of wound because -- unlike with family -- we choose our friends and assume they "get" us and understand our needs.

I want to add, however, that illness brings out the weirdness in many people.

Some go running for the hills at any sign of infirmity; some don't know what to do or say and so they don't do or say anything. Some feel that illness and surgery are intensely private. They tell themselves they don't want to "intrude." (This doesn't make it right, mind you.) Write down what you are thinking and feeling -- but don't share it with anyone yet. You need to find a way to convey the truth without being too emotional or putting anyone else down.

But you should say the truth, in person (and individually) to your friends. Say a version of, "I was pretty scared and vulnerable when I was in the hospital and wish I had heard from you. I feel let down." People need to remember that if a friend is in need, just being in touch means a lot -- even if you don't really know what to say or do.