Line going dead on this relationship

DEAR AMY: My daughter gets extremely angry at me -- so angry that she will hang up the phone in the middle of a conversation and not answer her phone when I call her back. I have told her that I do not appreciate her doing this, and she says it is better than her saying the things she is thinking when she gets mad at me. Her anger has been a problem in our relationship since she was quite young. In the past few years, I have learned not to react in the moment, since that just makes things worse, but it is taking a toll on me to have so many negative and nasty things directed at me when I am just trying to be helpful. Before she hangs up the phone, she generally gets a few nasty remarks in first. She is an adult now, but I have been helping her out financially because her job does not pay very well. Maybe I should quit doing that. I do not know how to communicate to her the fact that I would like to be able to help her, but she is doing serious damage to the way I feel about her. It has gotten so bad I am thinking of not picking up the phone if she calls. Any thoughts?Perplexed

DEAR PERPLEXED: Let me introduce you to a concept called "natural consequences." The natural consequence for you of having the phone slammed down on you is to not pick up the phone immediately to call back the person who hung up on you.

The natural consequence for your daughter after she treats you badly would be for her to have to face the reality of losing some contact with you. If you two speak and she is disrespectful, you say, "This isn't going so well so I'm going to say goodbye." Along with this new way of behaving toward her, you will have to spend some time reviewing your other behavior. In addition to enabling your daughter to treat you badly, are you behaving in other ways you shouldn't? Should you, perhaps, stop being so helpful?