Mom thinks daughter picked wrong guy

DEAR AMY: Our sweet, beautiful, 21-year-old daughter is a senior in college and will be graduating this spring. She is immature and looks younger than her age. She has not made the best choices in boyfriends. Six months ago she met a 35-year-old bartender at the restaurant where she was working part time. This guy works part time, has no car and lives in the basement of his mother's home. My daughter has moved in with him, and she ignores our phone calls and e-mails. Her personality has changed. We warned her this is not a healthy relationship and that he is a loser. She says he is a wonderful guy who treats her well. We tried to point out that, besides the age difference, he is taking advantage. This is tearing our family apart. I have told her that if she stays with him, I will never accept him in our family, and she will no longer be my daughter. We have sent her to counseling, but I am sure she is only telling the counselor her version of the story. I know our actions have probably pushed them together, but I cannot stand by and watch her throw her life away on this guy. What advice can you give?

--Loving Father

DEAR FATHER: You've already done your utmost to reach your daughter. Scolding, disrespecting, controlling and disowning will not deliver unto you the daughter of your dreams.

Your daughter should tell her counselor her version of the story of her life, and she might relate that she is trying mightily to get out from under the judgmental gaze of her parents. I suggest you focus on her education and plans after graduation. She will need to find a way to support herself. Withdrawing your financial (but not emotional) support might be the best way to get her attention.

You should also get counseling. A professional therapist would help you to find a way to lovingly guide your daughter.