More than a party, boy needs stabilty

DEAR AMY: I have been living with my "significant other" for two years. He has a son with another woman; the boy is almost 6. He lives with us, but he visits his mom regularly - except when she is in jail. When he is with his mother, there is no structure or discipline. She showers him with gifts and clothes. When he comes back from seeing her, he is rude, mouthy and ungrateful. She does what I refer to as "guilt parenting." My question is, should there be two separate, complete birthday parties for this child - one thrown by her and one thrown by us? I say no. I feel she can throw him a party and we can attend or, if we don't attend, we can have a small gift opening with cake and ice cream. But why in the world would we spend all that money to throw a whole second party? Don't you think one party is plenty?

--Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I agree with you that one party is plenty. However, I worry about your attitude toward this child. Describing a not-quite 6-year-old as "rude, mouthy and ungrateful" is harsh.

A child bounced between split parents often "acts out" when returning to the custodial parent's home after a visit with the noncustodial parent. If you can imagine the pressure this boy is under at both ends of his visits, it might give you insight. He is returning from a home where he is overindulged and may not have a good sleeping or eating schedule.

The fact that his mother is sometimes in jail (as you say) means she is erratic.

Look at the big picture. The child's dad should make sure the mother is providing a stable environment for the boy. All of you should meet with a family therapist to review his behavior during and after visits (your local children's advocacy agency should offer mentoring and parenting classes).

The mother's parenting is lacking, but you and your man can be heroes by being the parents this little guy deserves.