New mom can't abide pushy mother-in-law

DEAR AMY: I'm a 23-year-old college student who recently gave birth to a beautiful boy. I have been married for three years. My marriage is great. My problem is my mother-in-law. We've always had a rocky relationship, but it has sunk to a new low. She bad-mouths me to my husband and others. She snoops in our belongings, thinks my husband should value her opinions and feelings more than mine, and doesn't understand boundaries. She calls my husband childish nicknames, even though he asks her to stop. She thinks she has every right to literally pull my son out of my arms without asking. I don't want my son around this kind of toxic behavior. I'm so angry and resentful that I'm ready to cut off all communication with her, which means cutting her off from my son as well. My husband understands my feelings and is frustrated with her. What should I do?Completely DrainedDEAR DRAINED: Don't use your son as a tool for punishing your mother-in-law. Start this process by building a very short "fence" between you.

You and your husband must state -- calmly and rationally -- your reasonable expectations and the consequences for not meeting them.

You two should work out (and even rehearse) this conversation together before speaking with her. He should start by saying, "Mom, I'm disappointed in how you've been behaving. You are simply going to have to start treating us like the adults we are.

If we tell you something, we expect you to hear us and respect our wishes. Do you understand that?" Give her concrete examples of what you would like her to do differently.

Your mother-in-law might try to bully or emotionally manipulate both of you. You simply cannot let her. Make eye contact with her and act as if you are in charge of your life. If you and your husband are consistently firm, you should be able to "retrain" her. If not, you'll have to build a higher fence.