Queens comedian Mark Malkoff gets 'Net' gains from 5-day bathroom break

(Photo: Christine Peel)

He learned how to plunk out Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” on an acoustic guitar.

He documented 36 reasons why he loved his wife, memorized all 44 U.S. presidents in order and learned how to draw accurate maps of North and South America as well as portions of  Europe and Africa. He rediscovered the joy of finger painting and roughed out a book proposal. He learned how to knit. And he wrote letters to oodles of friends and family members, though it seemed odd that the paper had no “send” button.

These are just some of the things Mark Malkoff, 34, achieved while sequestering himself in his bathroom for five days to break his Internet addiction. On Saturday the comedian from Astoria emerged — a better, if fatter, man.

“I got a lot done. By the end, I was really happy. My inner peace and tranquility soared,” even while he gained weight from noshing on granola bars and ramen noodles and getting little exercise in the 6-by-9-foot cell.

Malkoff was not even eager to log back on when he emerged. Instead, he took a walk, marveling at how beautiful birds sound when he’s not yapping on his iPhone.

A video of Malkoff’s bathroom highlights — he was receiving visitors throughout his detention — debuts on mydamnchannel.com on Sept. 8.