No apology in 3 years, so stop expecting it

DEAR AMY: Three years ago, my (then) 35-year-old sister-in-law (who lives with my mother-in-law) referred to my 9-year-old and her 9-year-old cousin as "bitches," "brats" and other words that I would have preferred my daughter never heard. This was the last straw, and my husband and I have not allowed our children to go back without our presence. I'd like an apology given to my child, and have made this known, but I am told I am creating drama. I've been told that my sister-in-law did not really mean what she said, and my child and her cousin did not hear it. If you tell me to let bygones be bygones, then I will certainly do that. But if not, do you have some advice for me to give to my daughter? She doesn't want to see her aunt or her grandmother because she says they were always mean to her and her cousin. I feel I've been harboring resentment for way too long now.ResentfulDEAR RESENTFUL: Three years after this incident, you can do the math and know for certain that an apology will never come.

Some people just "don't do" apologies. Not surprisingly, these are often the same people who wallow in their own offensiveness. Expecting, demanding or even waiting for an apology just strengthens their resolve never to offer one.

You reacted appropriately by removing your daughter from this aunt's toxic presence. Other than to say, "Your aunt was completely inappropriate and used words no one should use," you should not dwell on this with your daughter -- or anyone else.

You need to demonstrate a mature ability to file this incident in a imaginary drawer titled: "Regrettable, Unfortunate and Won't Happen Again." Your sister-in-law's "punishment" for this offense (and I agree that it is a grave offense) is that she has to live with herself. The very act of being her every single day can't be a picnic.

You should retaliate by forgiving her. Forgiveness works every time.