Office birthday party? Count me out

DEAR AMY: I'm starting a new job next month, and I would like your advice. Every office has an "organizer," that person who passes around birthday cards, arranges birthday lunches and sticks her nose into everyone else's business. I usually ignore the nonsense. My only problem is that invariably on my first day on a new job, someone asks me for my date of birth so it can be put on someone's calendar. I hate being subjected to the "surprise" of people gathering around me singing "Happy Birthday." I have a friend who used to give a false birthday, but then he was surprised when he was presented with cake and a card on that day! So how do I tell people at my new job that my birthday is none of their business without sounding like a total anti-social jerk? Office Grouch

DEAR GROUCH: Starting this new job, you have an opportunity at the outset to establish yourself as someone who will not be attending parties in the break room or accepting pieces of cake on paper napkins.

Normally, this takes several years of noncompliance and/or outright aggression toward your co-workers.

Establish your reputation as the "office curmudgeon" by saying on your first day, "Honestly, I don't like this sort of thing. I could give you all sorts of excuses, but the fact is that I'm a lovable rogue. Every office has to have one, and I'm yours."

DEAR AMY: Responding to the chorister who was offended when a fellow member mentioned that her clothes smelled of cigarette smoke, I have been a smoker for more than 50 years. I find the smell of smoking offensive. I smoke outside, even in freezing weather, and I wear a jacket, which I call my smoking jacket. It is the price of a nasty, unhealthy addiction.

I am with the lady who told this person, kindly, that her clothes smell of smoke. I hope that my friends are as nice, and tell me if I smell.Carole in Seattle