One of the things I did right: Marry her

Growing up, I was always a capable student, and this blinded me to my many deficiencies. Thankfully, over the years my wife has been ready, willing and able to point them out.

Take for example, my sense of direction. Or, should I say, my lack thereof. To compensate, my wife follows a rule of opposites. If I want to go right, she’ll say, “Turn left,” and vice-versa. She has a remarkable track record doing it this way, but I’ve maintained that always being wrong is just as valuable as always being right. I’m forever lost and, therefore, never lost.

Of course, this hasn’t improved my driving or parking, both of which have drawn many admonitions. I used to not leave enough space in the driveway for my wife to comfortably get out of her car. So advised, I overcorrected and, to her consternation, didn’t leave enough room on the other side for the mailman to get by. Once on the road, I’m a source of constant worry. It seems that I brake too much, don’t look far enough ahead, get in the wrong lane, etc., etc., ad infinitum. My clean driving record is no defense. Nor is my insistence that when other drivers give me the single-digit salute, they’re telling me that I’m No. 1.

Then there’s my paucity of practical skills. Early in our marriage, I tried assembling various kits, but always had parts left over. I tried to tell my wife that they were “spare” parts, but that didn’t fly. She soon decided that any package labeled “Some Assembly Required” was toxic. The added cost of “Fully Assembled” didn’t bother me. As my grandmother used to say, “There’s a time to spend a penny like a dollar and a time to spend a dollar like a penny.”

Also on my wife’s list is my apparent failure to focus. I often seem to have problems remembering just what my wife has told me. In my mid-70s, I finally can blame this on old age. She never would have bought “early onset” in my 40s.

There’s also my overall inability to know what’s best for me. When I was young and most unwise, if my wife suggested new sneakers or a swimsuit adorned with turtles, I would say, “But I don’t need them.” I got them anyway. How I shudder just to think of my foolishness back then. Now, I just nod or say, “Yes, dear,” and marvel at what a good shopper I am.

My wife also feels a need to monitor my food intake. I’m too given to sweets, so she finds herself hiding the candy. That’s when she discovered that there were exceptions to my failings. I am laser-focused and my direction true and keen in locating these stashes.

Of course, money is also an issue. Early on, my wife decided I was too willing to spend and too much of a pushover for our kids. It would be her burdensome duty to handle the household finances. I recently explained to my daughter that I can buy anything I want. The truth is, I can buy anything I want right after my wife tells me I want it.

Now, don’t rush to feel sorry for me. This all has its advantages. For example, when I fell and injured myself after lifting something too heavy for my age and size, my wife blamed herself for leaving me “unsupervised.”

There’s something else I should mention about my wife: I’m the luckiest man in the world to have her. On this she’d agree.

Richard Epstein,

West Babylon