Powerful lesson in prenuptial test

DEAR AMY: My future wife and I are in the military. We live in separate states. We are doing as much as we can to communicate to keep our relationship strong. To strengthen and test what we'll face in our marriage, we have opened checking and savings accounts together. We agreed to save 10 percent of our checks each week to invest in our future. The agreement was not to touch the savings and to use the checking account only for emergencies. We agreed to keep each other accountable and to communicate whenever spending the money. On separate occasions and for various reasons, she has used monies with no prior communication. The dollars and cents are not the issue -- it is that the agreement was broken. It makes me retreat from the trust I have in all other areas. We are taking a break from our relationship (my decision). She is upset at me for "auditing" her, but she should be responsible enough to admit what she did and she should not have repeatedly done this.

How should I react now?Broken Bank, Broken Trust

DEAR BROKEN: Your "test" worked. You've quickly uncovered a deep divide between you. And you're right -- this spending issue probably isn't about the dollars and cents. It is about trust and your mutual ability to negotiate a workable solution for an issue you will face for the rest of your lives.

This is also a test of your test.

Your fiancee's behavior has been inappropriate. In relationships, money represents power and control. She is resisting yours, and you should acknowledge this and ask her to explain her actions and listen carefully to her response.

For your relationship to survive, you would have to work together to re-engineer your test -- to see if there is a practical way to achieve your financial goals so each of you has adequate autonomy and mutual auditing capability.

See if your relationship can survive this negotiation.