Probing questions add to pain of illness

DEAR AMY: My husband has stage 4 cancer. His prognosis is not good. This has turned our world upside down. We've worked hard to keep things as normal as possible for our young kids: We go to their concerts, sporting events and school events, where we try to forget the painful things and enjoy the moment. I know people are well meaning, but I am struggling with how to answer questions, especially those asked while I am with my kids. These inquiries usually come from "fringe friends." Some questions have been downright rude (asking about our financial situation or for more details of my husband's symptoms and treatment). Others, I'm sure, come from a place of caring. However, when people ask, "How are your kids dealing with this?" and "How are YOU doing?" I really don't know what to say. We have an online site to keep people informed of my husband's health. But there are aspects of this journey that are personal. My children's suffering is not for public consumption. Also, I will not compromise my husband's dignity by sharing too much of what he deals with. What's the best way to handle these questions? Upset Wife

DEAR UPSET: My sympathy is with you and your family. I realize this is really tough, and these queries seem intrusive, but it is unreasonable to blame people for asking how your children are.

You are at a very tender part of your family's journey and may not realize how easily you could respond. All you need to say is, "The kids are OK; you're sweet to ask. How are yours doing?" Your family's private and painful situation is not the business of people on the outer circles of your acquaintance. However, some of these questions are not intended to get you to open up about your painful experience, but to register that people are thinking about you. Think of these as statements of support rather than intrusive questions, and respond simply. Then move on.