Property tax solution: eliminate schools

After reading about the impending budgetary issues regarding public schools ["Regents fee mulled; State weighs charging school districts for exams," News, Dec. 9], I felt it my civic duty to write this modest proposal for public discussion.

I am a teacher, a taxpayer, recently married and planning to start a family. Thinking deeply about this, I realized that I have a solution to our school budget problems. Why not get rid of school altogether?

Consider the following:

Why do kids have to learn history? All they have to do is go on the Internet or Wikipedia. They don't need to hear about history, politics or constitutional rights from a teacher.

Why do kids need to learn math? Calculators and electronic banking can do it for them.

Science is for nerds. Biology isn't needed; that's what we have doctors for. Chemistry? Boring! Let pharmacists deal with that. And physics, well, I think this branch of science was just made up by Isaac Newton. Get rid of this, and the taxpayers will save a bundle.

Why do kids need English classes? Kids don't need an English teacher to help them interpret literature - ever hear of CliffsNotes? And teaching spelling? That's what spell-checker is for. Come to think of it, do kids even need to read, with books on tape and movie adaptations?

Why do kids need foreign language classes? Everyone in the world at least speaks English, right? And we certainly don't live in a multiethnic society, nor do we have to compete in a global economy.

Wait! I've just had an epiphany! Why don't we just stop having children completely? No more schools, annoying teachers, or pricey state tests. That would mean no more property tax hikes ever, right? Plus, there would be no more school buses to slow morning commutes.

Can it be that I have just solved all of our budget problems? Oh, no need to thank me. I'm just doing my civic duty, with a little help from the wise Jonathan Swift.

David Pontillo

Oyster Bay

P.S. If you know anything about money, your rights, civic duty or Jonathan Swift, it is more than likely due to a teacher's influence.

Editor's note: The writer teaches at Oyster Bay High School.