Revealing dad's abuse to siblings' spouses

DEAR AMY: Please answer this sensitive question. Should I tell my siblings' spouses that I was sexually abused by our father? I have chosen never to visit my parents in order to protect my children. My siblings are aware that our father sexually abused me during my childhood. They are married with children between 2 and 16. My siblings have chosen not to tell their spouses. Should I risk losing the relationship with my siblings?The ProtectorDEAR PROTECTOR: Your siblings are responsible for their choices. And you are responsible for yours.

If being silent causes you pain and makes you worry about children in your family, you should not be silent. Your father's actions have placed all of your family relationships at risk.

You don't mention confronting your father, but I hope you have discussed this in therapy. DEAR AMY: I grew up in a small town. I am now in my late 40s, and my dad passed away a year and a half ago. He had a companion (my mother passed away 10 years earlier), and this caregiver did a lot for him during his final illness. After he died, she shared with me that she had been with him long before my mother died, and that his drinking problem had its roots in the fact that he never wanted to be a father. She said that I was "an accident" and that I essentially ruined his life. I can see through her motives, but lifelong friends think I am a jerk for having nothing to do with the woman who cared for my father. I don't care to go into details, but the cold shoulder hurts. Small-Town Survivor

DEAR SURVIVOR: Your father's caretaker was deliberately rude and hurtful. You are wise to keep your distance and you don't owe anyone an apology or explanation.

Your lifelong friends should respect your discretion. You can say, "I appreciate what she did for my dad, but after that, I don't have much to say."