Rude teen needs a lesson -- in forgiveness

DEAR AMY: I have four grandchildren: two adolescents who live out of town and two toddlers close to home. I've been generous with all of them at birthdays and Christmas. My 16-year-old grandson treated us rudely when we visited recently. On a previous visit to our home, he was destructive and we had to replace some items. We talked to his father (our son) about it, and he said he would make the boy pay for his damage. That never happened. The parents are divorced and seem to have a "communication" problem. I know he is angry at his dad, but he should know not to take that out on everyone else. I want to know how to let him realize that I am not to be taken advantage of! You can't be disrespectful and expect me to reward you with gifts. I don't want to be mean, but I will no longer be made a fool of. If I send gifts to his sister on Christmas, I can't ignore him -- but how can I send this message without appearing spiteful?

--Upset Grandmother

DEAR GRANDMOTHER: You claim that a 16-year-old should know how to express his anger and confusion appropriately. But how will he know this if the adults in his life don't lead the way? Teenagers flail about, acting out their feelings and frustrations, and it is the adults in their lives who should show them the way by being consistent, patient and forgiving.

From your account, this boy has had his share of challenges. Can you imagine that maybe he was testing you? And have you passed this test? Firmness is called for, of course, but you don't seem to have expressed your concerns and consequences to him directly or maturely.

Consider an alternative to your current plan to be punitive. Forgive him for Christmas. Love him as much as you can -- even in his currently messy state and even when he acts unlovable -- and use this as an opportunity to let him experience how beautiful it feels to be forgiven, even when everybody knows he has messed up badly.