Set more tolerant example than your brother

DEAR AMY: My brother is homophobic, and I am gay.

I attended his first wedding, though I was not permitted to bring a date. That marriage ended. I am now invited to his second wedding, again without a date. He has explicitly stated that he does not want to be around a gay couple. I am debating whether I should go.

I don't want to contribute to a rift with my mother, my nieces (who are too young to understand) or my soon-to-be sister-in-law, who is a lovely woman. I don't wish to alienate them because of my brother's choices. I feel frustrated and angry. I may be getting married soon. Should I invite my brother and his wife? I consider this woman family - though I am tempted to invite my brother but not allow him to bring a date! Should I tell my mother I'm done trying to be his family? This would hurt her deeply, and I would be very sad not to know my nieces - but I lost my brother a long time ago.Only Child

DEAR ONLY: When faced with another person's exclusion and cruelty, the most natural thing is to avoid that person to protect yourself - and send a message about what is and isn't tolerable.

Your brother's behavior is tempting you to change - to turn away from the loving, thoughtful and inclusive person you are - and become more like him. I'd like to encourage you not to change.

You should behave the way you wish he would behave.

Because you believe in marriage for all people, it would be kind of you to attend your brother's wedding.

However, if you have a life partner who is being excluded, then unfortunately you won't be able to attend. It's pretty simple. You also should invite your brother and his family to your wedding.

Whatever sorry example your brother may choose to set for his children is his business. If they're lucky, your nieces will be able to look to you for a positive role model.