She just doesn't trust her husband

DEAR AMY: I have been married for five years and have trust issues with my husband. I have my reasons; he hasn't cheated on me, but he has lied to me a few times. My own insecurities don't help. I always think my husband is cheating or wants to cheat. We don't have intimate moments as much as we did at the beginning of our relationship, and my husband is depressed (he says). I find it hard to believe him sometimes. When I try to talk to him about my lack of trust, he gets defensive. I want to spy on him or ask him why I see different colored hair on his jacket (not mine), but I don't know how to go about it without a fight.

--Sticky Situation 

DEAR STICKY: Your constant suspicion, insecurities and lack of trust in your husband could be contributing to the lack of intimacy in your marriage - and his depression.

On the other hand, his behavior, defensiveness and refusal to discuss this could be making your situation worse.

You two are locked in an unhealthy and prickly embrace. Real intimacy (including sexual intimacy) starts with a conversation. You don't sound able to discuss your relationship in a productive way.

Get started by reading "The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed or Desperate" by Harriet Lerner (2002, Harper Paperbacks). 

DEAR AMY: "Hurting Sister" wrote to you, worried about her younger sister. Both are survivors of abusive and addictive parents. I urge them to reach out for help. Excellent, no-cost resources for both sisters are available through the 12-step programs Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Alateen.

--Been There and Survived 

DEAR BEEN THERE: These are great suggestions that offer group support. To learn more, check al-anon.alateen.org.