'Shocked' to find their pals are swingers

DEAR AMY: My husband and I became friends with a couple a little over a year ago. We had some nice times together, including dinners, movies, etc. They are very nice, own a lovely home and have two beautiful children, who seem well cared for. Well, recently this very nice couple informed us that they are "swingers!" To say we were shocked is an understatement. My husband and I have decided that we will no longer socialize with them, because we feel so strongly about their lifestyle.

Why would a married couple who claim they love each other have sex with other people?Still Shocked

DEAR SHOCKED: I shared your letter with Peter Sagal, author of "The Book of Vice: Very Naughty Things (and How to Do Them)" (2007, Harper Collins). In his book, he describes a night he and his wife visited a "swingers" club.

Sagal responded to you: "I had the same question when I started researching my book. I found some swingers and asked them. They believe that what you do with your spouse's knowledge and consent isn't an infidelity. Millions of people in open marriages have found that they can have sexual relationships with other people while maintaining a strong emotional and intimate relationship with their spouse. This arrangement doesn't work for everyone, but it's obviously working for them. And maybe you're not clear on this point, 'Shocked,' but just because they have these sexual encounters with other people doesn't mean they want to do it with you. You could probably continue to attend their barbecues without risking a proposition."

While I appreciate Sagal's explanation, I can't imagine that "swinging" is good for a marriage. But then, how your friends conduct their marriage isn't really our business. If you continue to feel strongly about this, I agree that it's best for you to keep your distance. Standing in judgment is not good for a friendship.