Should teen tell folks about her safe sex?

DEAR AMY: I am a 17-year-old girl in high school. I have a loving boyfriend of nine months, and we have a safe and healthy sexual relationship. His parents know and accept this. I have been debating whether to tell my parents. They have expressed that they do not support premarital sex, and they would force me to stop seeing my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend, but I also want to respect my parents' wishes and honor their trust. Is it better to keep mum, since we understand the implications and consequences of sex, or should I be honest, despite my parents' potential reaction?Torn

DEAR TORN: I applaud you for being safe and healthy in your sexual life, but part of the whole "health" equation is to live a balanced, honest, integrated life in which you are not lying to the people who raised you.

If your boyfriend's parents know about this, then that tells me that you two are willing to be open and honest -- but only with people who will let you do what you want to do.

If you think your parents will throw you out of the house or disown you, you should not risk your own safety. But what if you tell them and they simply insist you not be sexually active while you live at home? Are you willing to do as they ask? Are you willing to risk disappointing them? You say you understand the implications and complications of having sex -- that is a good awareness to have -- but one complication is the one you are facing now: the realization that you and your parents have different values.

I cannot answer this question definitively for you. Some parents want to declare their non-negotiables but don't really want to have to act on them. You might be able to feel them out by asking them again to state their views on this, without disclosing your own choice.