Single File: Alone time can be meaningful

DEAR SUSAN: Quite by accident, I read your column and found your observation about being alone -- or, as you put it, "time spent in one's own company." Quite thought-provoking. (As a widower, I've spent 58 years learning the secrets of alone time; my children are now grown and gone, and my circle of friends is, by choice, quite small.) But, Susan, I'd love to know your definition of "a period of aloneness." It does indeed build compatibility with oneself -- a brilliant thing to note -- but you do a (very slight) disservice to your readers by raising the idea without giving parameters of what length of time constitutes a beneficial period of aloneness. It takes time to sort through the "mental clutter" of one's life, much longer than a few minutes or even hours weekly, to achieve meaningful gain.

From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: There are no accidents in the universe; it is no coincidence that you found the "Single File" column that relates perfectly to your guiding belief. Call it kismet or karma, it was meant for us to meet on common ground. And solid ground it is, empirical knowledge that selfhood is keeper of all our secrets, most yet undiscovered, and that great stretches of alone time build compatibility with that treasure. Yes, there is an undercurrent of magic in aloneness, impossible to quantify but undeniable, building an aura of confidence and ease that makes the person unafraid to explore his inner workings.

But (sigh) aloneness gets such negative press. From our earliest days, we are subliminally bombarded with the message that a happy, successful life is always lived two by two -- aloneness the place of last resort, for rejects and oddballs. But then, how to buck the crowd and find our own answers? Meditation can be the first step, its voluntary aloneness paying off handsomely in deeper relaxation and general ease. From there, it's not far to regular, increasingly lengthy periods of solo reflection, communion with deep self that builds a strong and solid personhood. Some payoff, no?

DEAR SUSAN: The other day, someone on your blog stated that marriage is just "a piece of paper," that "it makes no difference." As for me, I'm not sure. As the pre-eminent guru on singleness, where do you stand?

From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: On the side of the angels, in the company of the blessed harbingers of love. As tangible proof of that, the marriage license is unique. It gives unassailable status to your relationship, ranking it above all others. The privileges it bestows -- property, visitation and others -- give certification to the relationship, showing the world the legality of your love and the rights that come with it.

But as wonderful as is this rosy scenario, things can sour and change the complexion of the coupling. It is then that single life comes into its own as a portal for a disillusioned couple to pass through. That rebirth can lead to the discovery of self for the first time, an opportunity at any age or stage.

So I'm all for marriage being more difficult to enter, with certain qualifications and education/classes as prerequisites for the granting of a marriage license, and -- you guessed it -- a much less complicated and heart-rending exit, particularly for the innocents affected, from an unhappy marriage. Details are for another column; I promise.

I may be the guru of singleness, but my mission is not to paint a rosy picture of single life and lure the unsuspecting to make the rigorous upheaval from their present status. For the record, my scenario for a serene and fulfilling life is having one lover for a lifetime, someone who grows with you at each stage of your emotional development. And you?