Single File: Choosing reality over fantasy is not settling

DEAR SUSAN: I ask you: Do people have to settle for less? Do I think I settled for less because I married my husband instead of Bruce Springsteen? I guess by some measure you could say I did. My husband's never written a song about me. He's not able to command a crowd. He can't carry a tune. He doesn't have Springsteen's wealth or physique or charisma. Of course, the likelihood of Bruce asking me out was pretty darn slim, but I could have held out for someone similar and refused to "settle for less." I didn't want to do that, though. I thought my husband offered some really good, concrete advantages over Bruce. For one thing, he was right there and interested in getting to know me. He put up with my family and my long work hours. He's proved several times that he's got my back -- and I've got his. Do I think that's settling for less or lowering my standards? Not on your life! I actually think I got luckier in choosing my husband than I would have been had Bruce somehow swept me off my feet all those years ago.

From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER:Whoa. When realism meets opportunity, the results are usually good-plus. (Great, you might say.) And this is the tricky part of human nature.

Readers, did this thoughtful letter writer settle or not? Is she kidding herself, rationalizing the loss of a dream? My vote is a resounding nay. In my view of love, realism plays a big -- no, huge -- role. You see, this woman could have taken a different path -- held out for a celeb and passed up the man she happily married. She could have hung around stage doors, waiting for a big star to fall for her on the spot and live with her happily ever after. Yes, she could have clung to her fantasy and a dwindling speck of hope as years passed and kept telling herself that she'd rather stay unmarried than settle for less than her dream. But this wise woman thought all this through, shredded her fantasy man and is settled happily in a shared life.DEAR SUSAN: Friends are telling me to look for a friend in a mate. But after a weekend of thinking about that, I decided that isn't the way to go, because it isn't sexy. How can a friend be a lover? From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER:How can physical love be shared by two people who aren't friends?! If you agree that lovemaking is a joint venture and that pleasuring your partner is acting out your feelings for him or her, then any show of affection (from hand-holding to the most intimate) needs to be based in friendship. Otherwise, touching becomes routine and uninspired, and sexuality (all of it) loses its spark. The human psyche, blessed, senses when feeling is absent. For confirmation, ask anyone who's been a casual sex casualty; that person will tell you about the morning-after sadness, the loss of pride, the "never again" promise to oneself. There are so many instances of friend-turned-lover. I wish it to you.