Single File, debate over marriage views

DEAR SUSAN: I was dismayed at a recent letter about marriage and by your response. Marriage isn't simply about legal benefits; there's a more spiritual connection than legislation and the party after the ceremony. Just because so many people aren't bothering with marriage doesn't make that right. Nor does the fact that some people enter into marriage with the wrong attitude make it obsolete. They want the cake without the calories! Living together isn't a committed relationship; it is simply a convenient one. This is entered into with the idea of keeping everything separate, so it'll be easier to split if and when we split. Pray tell me, where's the commitment? This arrangement debases women. She provides a man with companionship and sex without any commitment by him. He says, "I want to try you out first to make sure it will work." Sounds like a car deal to me! Going to bed is easy. But it is getting up and taking on the day together, with a spiritual and committed relationship, that makes all things worthwhile. Those who view marriage as a piece of paper and a frivolously obsolete institution don't have the ability to see what a deep spiritual commitment it really is. Thank you for letting me rant, but I doubt I will be reading Single File again. -- From the Single File blog

DEAR BLOGGER: I'm sad to be losing such a thoughtful reader. Strong opinions make schisms, but at least you had yours in print for all to read. Sadder still is your misunderstanding of this column and my views about marriage. They impart electricity into readers' letters and my responses. But some consider Susan Deitz rather old- fashioned because my take on the sanctity of marriage is basically like your own, with a few updates. The core of my work in singleness tells me that the single person is conservative, not the swinging single caricature. My survey and book are founded on the truth that people don't change their morality because they change their marital status. The fundamentals of marriage are intact. The style may be changed somewhat, but not its core principles. The vows at the altar carry the same import, but with more, not less, sanctity. Thing is, there may be fewer marriage ceremonies and fewer wedding dresses sold, for economic and practical reasons, reasons having little to do with reduced spirituality. But the foundation of this column, the core belief, is admiration and unshakable belief in the unmarried world. There is so little bed-hopping and sexual swinging in that world. I do hope this conversation with you inspires you to give us a second chance.