Single File: Fear of committment

DEAR SUSAN: I've been in an exclusive relationship with a wonderful man for nine years. He's divorced (eight years); I'm a widow. We are both in our mid-40s -- no children, good jobs -- and we both own houses of roughly the same value. We agree that we will retire to my home, but he can't live here right now because of his job's location. My work is very flexible, so I can (and do) spend lots of time with him at his home. He's perfect in every way but one: He's afraid of marriage. I thought I was OK with that, but lately, I've been asking him to commit. He assures me we'll always be together, but not as man and wife. Even a prenup wouldn't change his mind. He was hurt in his first marriage when his wife left him for another man, but he knows absolutely I would never hurt him. Why am I now asking for marriage? Fear. My fears are practical, as well as emotional. If I suddenly became ill or incapacitated, he's the first one I'd trust to make decisions on my behalf; as my "boyfriend," though, he might not have that clout. That sounds overly dramatic, but the truth is I want a husband and life partner, not a boyfriend. And sometimes I can't help thinking his fear of marriage is just an excuse to wait for something better to come along.

From the Single File blogDEAR BLOGGER:Aha! The truth is you suspect this "wonderful," "perfect" fellow is just dishing a line as he fiddles with your feelings. On some not-so-deep level, you have suspicions he's playing hopscotch with your emotions while he waits for better prey. This is the perfect, wonderful man you're describing in the first part of your letter? I think not. You have some shadowy, lingering and persistent suspicions about his true reason for denying you a wedding band, which surface much later in your letter.

That makes me wonder about this wonderful man, his motives -- and yours. Maybe, just maybe, you, too, are skittish about the institution of marriage. After all, who wants to be locked in an institution? There go your freedom, your flexible schedule and what you treasure, your independence. If he succumbs and goes for the marriage thing, you fall into wifey mode, all prim and proper. And -- sharp intake of air -- you just may not want to travel that route again.

Lots to think about, no? Hint: Talking with each other about this may be the most refreshing thing you two have done as a couple in a long while.