Single File: Fearing male turndown

DEAR SUSAN: I suspect something less obvious than fear of rejection is involved in women's hesitancy to be more forward. In the old days, women flirted with men they liked. Comfortable thing to do, with a high degree of deniability. Actually inviting a man out, however, makes a definite statement that's difficult to deny. (Also lost, the passive position.) Being "the wanted one" at first glance is appealing but can lead to failure to do her share of the wanting if taken too far. --From the Single File blog

DEAR BLOGGER: You and I agree on women's fear of the male turndown, when the gem in their sights opts to slither off the hook. But then, clever man, you dig deeper into the layer of fear and come up with the deniability factor: She can't deny being interested in the man she asked to dinner. Whereas in olden times, she could always rationalize the object of her interest wasn't really all that interesting. But aren't they intrinsically linked -- fear and deniability -- with only a hair's breadth between them? The underlying factor in both is sheer panic. But the inner dialogue -- having to admit to oneself that your interest in him is not returned -- seems to be more than many women can bear. Having to give up the chased role -- and, as you say, the deniability factor -- comes with lots of psychic discomfort. So, what is to be? Waiting -- for him to be inspired to begin the chase -- or seizing the initiative and risking being hurt?

DEAR SUSAN: A recent column of yours was headlined "Assertive women often mistaken for control freaks." But after I read the letter from Randy, I thought the headline should have been "Control freaks may be mistaken for strong, assertive women." Don't get me wrong; I find strong, assertive women to be wonderful. They'll tell you what they like -- and what they don't like. They don't sneak up on you later, complaining, and they are ready to accept what you may or may not like or dislike about the same thing, being quite comfortable in an equal-partner relationship. How do I know? Because I'm married to a wonderful strong, assertive woman. Randy just might want to make the acquaintance of some assertive women and see the difference between them and control freaks. --From the Single File blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Controlling people are at heart insecure, pitiable people who must have everything pinned and placed -- or they won't play. What might look like leadership is soon revealed as insecurity that borders on pathological. Temper tantrums often come with the controlling personality, sometimes disguised as mood swings or total silence -- refusing to speak about the problem.

The main characteristic of controlling people is rigidity; they must have things their way. No compromise, no talking things out. To an alert observer, the controller shows his/her true colors pretty early in a relationship. When you spot one, run.