Single File: Find a hobby to gain confidence

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 21 and have zero self-confidence. I met a girl last week who seemed perfect, but I told myself there's no way she'd go out with me; I'm not good enough for her. I am quite good-looking and make a bit of money, but none of that seems to matter to me. How can I get some confidence?

Justin H., Long IslandDEAR JUSTIN: The quickest (and surest) way is to become good at something - a favorite sport, cooking, some green interest - but it has to interest you enough so you don't resent the hours needed to hone your skills. For an education in this sort of dedication, you might want to read up on Bill Gates' early days and be inspired by the way he focused his time on an idea he believed in. Choose carefully, Justin, and make the conscious choice to spend gobs of time getting good at whatever it is you decide on. Don't get distracted or sidelined by someone or something that saps your time and energy and gives little in return. If you really want to be sure of yourself, immerse yourself in something you feel deserves the effort. A pretty girl isn't it - not now, not just yet. Pretty soon, though, as your interest in this thing deepens, it will make terrific conversation! The pretty ones will be impressed with you, a young man with so much to say, not the usual drivel but a sincere passion. This won't happen overnight, but it shouldn't take long. Invest some time now; reap the rewards later.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm still friends with almost every man I've ever dated. And I get a lot of flak for it. People think that when the romance dies, you should break off the relationship and never see each other again. I think that's wrong - and crazy. What do you think?

Robin K., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR ROBIN: I'm with you - all the way. Moving from lover to BFF isn't an easy slide, but it's worth the road bump. Of course, not everyone is up for it; the bitter exes and the victim types will prefer to play the betrayed role and relish crying in their beer. But the well-adjusted types - like you, clearly - will want to save the embers of the once-hot passion because it was based on some reality, not a romantic mirage. The genuine friendship that drew the two of you together in the first place may have cooled passionwise, but the embers continue to give a comfortable warmth that is most certainly worth preserving. That's not crazy or wrong. In fact, it makes such good sense that more people should make the effort.