Single File: Happiness is a choice

DEAR SUSAN: To answer a fellow blogger's sorrowful rants about his life as compared with the reader who took giant steps to better hers (moving across the country was just the beginning), the difference between them is that she didn't shoot herself in the foot by complaining that all the good guys are already taken and that nothing she could do would possibly change things. Which proves that happiness is more choice than reality. And each of us has the power to be happy or unhappy.

From the "Single File" blogDEAR BLOGGER: It's that old personal power thing that keeps surfacing at the oddest of times, daring us to risk making choices that promise to move us forward into exciting (and frightening) new territory. Yes, the truth is that this thing called happiness is a choice. Each of us has the equipment (not always the guts) to be a decider; that's risk enough. But the real trouble comes when the choice isn't all that clear, when we need more input than ice-cold rationality can supply and give credence to our inner signals. Yes, for the umpteenth time, we're offered the wisdom of our instincts -- and the viscera that relay their signals. How many times have you taken an action (definitely not your same old, same old) based solely on some undefined feeling -- a hunch -- and had it pan out really well? The more I learn about the instinctual side of our humanity the more importance it assumes in my life.

DEAR SUSAN: I've been dating a girl for four months. For two years previously, she was just a friend. I used to think of her as sexually inexperienced, but now that things between us are more serious (I do think she's the one), we've had our sexual relationship talk, and I discovered she's been with four other guys. She keeps saying that none of them meant anything, that she just wanted to be wanted. But after that talk, images of her with a sex partner keep surfacing. Why do I feel misled? Do I risk losing someone I care deeply about -- and my place in our circle of friends?

From the "Single File" blogDEAR BLOGGER: Slow down, friend. You've gotten way ahead of yourself. Here you've recently gotten serious with someone elevated from old friend to someone special (possibly the one), and already negative images are littering your thoughts. For openers, what are you truly feeling these days? Like a loser because your fantasy was shattered or like a winner because she says lovemaking with you is like nothing else she's experienced? Might as well focus on that comparison, seeing as the sexual relationship talk -- which never should have happened -- has happened.

You seem as concerned with losing your place in your circle of friends as you are with losing your current love, and frankly that has me mystified. How can you equate your friendship circle with the one and only special woman in your life?

So here I am raising the point that you and this nice young woman are far ahead of yourselves -- way too far -- putting the physical expression of feelings before allowing your mature love to marinate and age in a slow, natural, unforced way. It seems to me things are going way too quickly. If you truly believe that this good thing is meant to blossom into something real and lasting, work on capping your sexual emotions and relate to each other as best friends. It might ignite new feelings.