Single File: Look for a jerk, and you'll find one

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 27, and my friends think I'm too picky when it comes to men. I think they're all jerks. I wonder if I'll ever find the right one. I'm too old for the bar scene, and my job isn't a good environment for finding men. I don't know where to look for them. What am I doing wrong? Jerri F., Long IslandDEAR JERRI: Even if you did meet a nice someone, what could come of it? You'd simply add him to the population of Jerkdom and move on to the next loser. So much of what happens to us is the manifestation of our beliefs. Most of the time, we get what we expect to get. It's been proved that expectations not only affect how we view reality, but also affect reality itself. Your opinion of the male sex is going to keep you living in Nowheresville a long, long time - unless, of course, you dare to dig into its causes.

There is so much anger and misunderstanding between the sexes. I feel it coursing through the unmarried community, poisoning so many minds and nullifying the chance they have to rebuild gender relations. C'mon, guys. Reach out your hands and bridge whatever differences keep you apart. There isn't time for fussing and feuding.

DEAR SUSAN: The wounds between men and women are too deep to ever be healed. If women really believe that men are worthless, reconciliation isn't going to happen. Below, some reasons for the them-and-us divide:

The notions that all men are dogs, sexual harassers and oppressors

Court rulings on child support / alimony designed to stick it to the men

The idea that every guy only wants sex

Equating nice and decent with "boring"

Some women have been burned in prior relationships and blame it on all men.

The struggle for equality has mutated into an all-too-fashionable hatred of men, even though men of today had nothing to do with past oppressions.

And the classic anthem, "men just don't get it"

"Single by Choice," New York CityDEAR READERS: Yes, you've read that letter before. Sent last year, it seems even more relevant in today's environment, more urgent in its need to be understood. And while you're reading it again (and again?), some thoughts from my book "Single File":

"More and more of us are electing to postpone or bypass the marriage decision, not as a choice made early in life but more often as a result of circumstance that simply occurs and evolves into lifelong singleness. Newcomers to the status of full equality, we are focusing pointedly on achievement and are on the vanguard of a world where women are primary people from birth, achievers and creators in their own right, less and less dependent on a husband for status and support. That undependence, wholeness in its best form, allows us to choose people from the other sex who are truly friends. At last we can realize that a friend would never ask us to surrender selfhood in the name of love."