Single File: Take time for yourself before dating again

DEAR SUSAN: I was involved in a serious relationship for more than seven years. It ended six months ago. Since then, I've been able to do things I like, but I haven't dated. Work consumes much of my time, and I'm not thrilled with the bar scene. I've seen ads for video dating. Any suggestions?

Eve J., Long IslandDEAR EVE: One biggie, a suggestion that may take a bit of daring but will pay off handsomely. Stay on course, continuing to do exactly what you've been doing, because it brings pleasure to your few leisure hours and doesn't involve you in the Byzantine workings of a romantic relationship. After seven long years of involvement in one of them, you've earned unstructured time to yourself. For yourself, by yourself. Involving yourself in whatever spells fun and diversion and entertainment. Period. Re-entry into the rigors of dating - after seven long years - has got to be particularly hazardous to your health. Your letter isn't clear about the issue of dating, either. You have a sense of relief (and release) and are now pursuing interests denied for so long, or - in the other interpretation - you feel that dating is now obligatory. Either way, go with the pleasures of your life, and delete dating - for now, anyway. Savor this phase of your life. Be host, guest, visitor. Gad about, and find the people and activities that fit you right now. In a year or two, who knows the life you will desire? Check back with me then.

DEAR SUSAN: If there's any "trend" toward abstinence in the single world, I haven't seen it. Yes, I agree it is "unrealistic"; Mother Nature will not be denied. I'm not advocating casual sex, but for most people, abstinence is a terrible price to pay to be 100 percent certain they're avoiding risk. One trend I've noticed: Some people who are "afraid" of relationships with the other sex are using the fear of STDs as their reason (when in fact they were avoiding contact before STDs were so common). In their minds, this is their justification for avoidance, when the truth has more to do with psychological problems.

Dillon F., Long IslandDEAR DILLON: Trend or not, the unmarried are rethinking the abstinence issue. An excruciatingly high majority of partners have undisclosed yearnings for deeper relationships when they agree to "casual" sex. The other knows nothing about them and is focusing exclusively on fleshly gratification. Their own. Nothing more. The event finished, both people go their separate ways without affectionate goodbyes. One of them feels just fine, thank you, ma'am. The other? Close to devastated. That partner tells me of their deep regret, diminished self-esteem, even at times self-loathing for their weakness and secret hopes of love. Taking a long walk with a beloved pet beats this degrading event. Do I hear a rebuttal?