Single File: Woman won't uproot her son without marriage

DEAR SUSAN: I am 35 with a 10-year-old son and have been seeing a 26-year-old man for two years. He has mentioned marriage but isn't sure he wants it. And although we've been living together for a year, he's just not sure how he'd measure up as a stepfather. I love the man; he's been so great to both of us. The problem is that now he is being transferred and wants me to move with him. But I won't uproot my son unless we marry. What should I do?

-- From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Stay the course. Your hesitation is absolutely understandable and appropriate. This man must recognize the importance of stability for your young son and do the right thing. You're not playing games when you ask for the stability of a legally recognized status for you and your son. You are being asked to choose between a good man and a small boy's being pulled from his normal routine -- a young sapling, vulnerable to the decisions of his elders. The three of you need to be part of a legally recognized whole when this good man relocates, and if he doesn't understand the importance of that, he may lack the maturity to be a stepfather or husband.

Both of you would be miserable if the move weren't formalized by marriage and you went along and pulled your son out of his school, away from his friends and everything familiar; and you would have the added burden of guilt. Those emotions would create large rifts in your small family, in time causing trouble. Your small family would shatter and break apart.

My hunch? That will not happen. Parting now would bring too much sorrow because your man will not be able to help but admire the gutsy woman standing tall for her son. He will be proud to become her mate and father to her son.

DEAR SUSAN: He promised to call but didn't. So I sat there, my phone in my hand, and thought about calling him. Of course, I didn't, because it was something my pride wouldn't let me do. My eyes are still red from crying that night.

-- From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Next time that happens -- and it will, you know (and don't think it happens only to women) -- sit for a few minutes quietly, and compose your queasy stomach. Talk yourself into dialing his number. When he answers, do yourself a favor and do not say, "Why didn't you call?" Simply (calmly) ask him to go out. It takes a tough woman to make a tender companion, so even if you get a loud and resounding refusal, I bet you'll be more compassionate when it's your turn to refuse someone. That's what this single life is all about, isn't it? Being strong but resilient, taking the blows and getting up from the mat stronger. So OK, you've been rejected, but look at the stronger woman you've become! You risked rejection and survived. You've grown thicker skin around your tender heart, and you're more of a person. More of a woman.

But don't keep this incident a secret from close friends and family. In fact, make a point of sharing it with anyone who'll listen to your soap opera. Yup, you've been turned down. But who hasn't been? And you're still intact, with no visible scars -- maybe a small dent to your ego, but it will mend quickly. The best part of this? You're getting over the scary thought of being refused. Woo-ha! Let womankind rejoice! I hope some good men are reading this, too, and gaining some courage. Better to risk and lose than never to have risked at all.