Single File: Women making the first move is a good trend

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 29 and unmarried, so naturally I'm active in the dating scene. It seems that men expect women to take the initiative in asking for a date. What's going on? Is this a new trend? Martha S., Long IslandDEAR MARTHA: Trend shmend. It's all about fatigue. The male kind. Men are exhausted, stressed out from initiating. Who wouldn't be, after eons of the you-first routine in the bedroom, the barroom, the living room. Maybe the new "trend" is a reversal of roles. My reaction? It's about time! Men may have figured out that they can liberate themselves from first-move shtick. Our reaction? Let's extend a hand and reassure them. We've won more wiggle room for ourselves; it's only fair to do the same for our counterparts. One way to demonstrate that goodwill is to meet men through interests, thereby obliterating first-date nonsense and establishing a level playing field - shared interests. There's no expectation of first moves there, and the conversation is all about a shared passion. Opening lines aren't necessary.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm a single man, 29, who sees a real dilemma in the way women handle sexual advances. Most men are like kids in a candy store, wanting to sample the goodies before they buy them. And that usually makes women feel like chopped liver. After years of dating, I've come to believe in the old-fashioned way, no sex before marriage. As one girl said, "If he won't seal the deal, I'll keep the merchandise." Howie G., Portland, Ore.

DEAR HOWIE: Coming from a man, that's powerful stuff. Your feelings tie in to my firm belief that men, the real romantics of the race, have a deep longing for a pure love object. Color me idealistic, but my perch in the unmarried world gives me a fair amount of intuition about its morality. After all, it was my survey that disproved the myth of the "swinging single," finding that a huge majority of single people had brief periods of bed-hopping immediately after their divorces but quite quickly reverted to their core morals, which are quite conservative. And poles away from swingers. (Note: The swingers proved to be in the married community, spouses fleeing sexual boredom and a sense of being owned.) Thankfully, STDs have put a damper on a lifestyle with plural lovers, and the unmarried community has proved conservative. As for chopped liver, it is great on seeded rye but doesn't make it as a self-image. I bet a lot of men are breathing easier because of your letter, Howie. Many thanks.