So many men can be too much for a child to handle

DEAR SUSAN: I've been a single parent for 18 years. My first rule is that my daughter must like the person I'm dating. For her, the most comfortable place for that is her home, where she is secure and in comfortable surroundings. My daughter has met each man in my life. She also has watched me cry and end a relationship. She's now 17 and has experienced the real life of a woman. She knows that needs are as real as wants. She has watched me fall in love and get real and decide it's not working out and part company. She's seen the phases of love played out, and she knows a heart survives when it ends. I stick by my conviction that life in full view has value. Kate H., Long IslandDEAR KATE: Life in full view as lived by an unmarried parent with a rotating cast of partners. Sorry, Kate, for me that doesn't add up to a stable home life. Or a healthy relationship with the other gender. Where is the constancy of a male figure? Who is on the scene to modify or contradict your slant on domestic life and its myriad problems? Most urgent is the need for a steady hand at the tiller, and a heartbroken mom can't do the job. That has got to confuse your daughter. How do you explain the loving and losing of each man? How much can a small psyche grasp? Living with the comings and goings of different men is asking too much of an innocent and may cause psychological distortion. Soap opera dramatics and sexual scenarios are an overload for the seasoned psyche, and for the tenderness of the very young, they're too much to bear. Even a life in full view needs boundaries.

DEAR SUSAN: I have chosen a long-term partner in life rather than a husband. For me, marriage is historically associated with the oppression of women. The word "husband" comes from an old Scandinavian word meaning "master of a household." In this country, the practice of giving up one's name and taking the husband's name is common and rarely questioned. Until the patriarchal view of marriage ceases to be and the partnership aspect is promoted, I cannot subscribe to such an institution. Maureen V., Santa Rosa, Calif.DEAR MAUREEN: For a long time, marriage has been on the front burner of my thoughts. And it's gaining momentum, not only here in America but also around the world. Now that single life has gained majority status here at home, my thoughts are finding their way to paper. Yes, there's a book on the way, and its shape is solidifying fast. You see, I, who was once adamant about sacred vows and altar walks, am discovering new thoughts in myself, a new way of seeing couplehood. For me, at this juncture, respect is the star of relationship. Its lack weakens love and gives the lie to every other aspect of togetherness. When there's no mutual reciprocity, the rest falls apart. There are many reasons for not marrying. but commitment can be strong and long-lasting, a quality separate and apart.