Son has limited contact with family

DEAR AMY: Our immediate family includes an adult son, his wife and their young children. For unknown reasons, about a year ago our daughter-in-law decided to severely limit contact with our family. Our son has followed her lead. We have accepted that we cannot control their behavior, only our reaction to it. We are moving on, sadder but wiser. Our question involves our son's elderly grandmother. She keeps asking where my son and his family are, when will they be visiting her, why she doesn't see them anymore and if they are all right? We have assured her that they are fine -- just busy -- and that relieves her mind for a while. We have told our son in phone and email messages that his grandmother would love a phone call or visit. We feel we have done all we can, and it is not our responsibility to remind a nearly 40-year-old man to be considerate of someone with whom he previously enjoyed a warm, friendly relationship. Should we continue to try to reach him before it's too late?

--Disappointed Parents

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: If you have accepted this unhappy state of affairs, why are you lying to your son's grandmother? It is OK to react honestly and say, "Gran, Chas has been terrible about keeping in touch with us, too. We've left him a couple of messages, asking him to give you a call, but we can't really do much beyond that." This older family member might have some ideas or insight into this challenging situation. Ask for her advice.

You don't mention where your son lives, but you should email him and say you'd like to visit. Keep it simple and low pressure. Ask if you can treat the family to dinner. Ask if you can attend any event the kids might be participating in or take them on an outing.

I agree with your stance not to take responsibility for your son's behavior, but I don't think you've done quite enough to try to determine why he is so isolated from your family.