Start by calling incest hotline

DEAR AMY: I am in a situation with my two children where there doesn't seem to be a right answer. I have been put in the middle. I was a good mother. I raised my children with much love and was always there for them growing up and through adulthood. About two years ago, out of the blue, my daughter (age 40) tells me that her brother (two years older) molested her when they were children. I was shocked. I told her I was so sorry, and didn't know what to say. When she told me the story, I felt so bad for her. But that wasn't enough. She apparently wanted me to totally take her side and turn against her brother. My son and I are very close. I know she is very jealous of that. She and I have had many problems since her father passed away. She has been depressed. She has turned the kids against me because I won't take her side. She now hates the sight of me. She talks trash about me to everybody who will listen. I tried again last week, only to be torn to shreds by her in front of her kids. What should I do?Sad

DEAR SAD: You are not a good mother. You might have done your best when your children were younger, but you are not doing your best now -- and there is no acceptable excuse for that.

Your daughter's depression, poor judgment and fury can be traced to being molested as a child. If you can't "take her side," then the least you can do is stand by her side.

Imagine the additional heartache for her when you -- her mother -- deny her pain and continue to favor her abuser. You should do everything possible to help her heal from her childhood trauma. Your failure to do so adds to her suffering.

You and your family (including your son) all need professional help. The Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network offers 24-hour online and phone hotlines. Call 800-656-HOPE (4673) or check rainn.org. Suggest your daughter do the same.