Start by offering brother your compassion

DEAR AMY: I am seven years older than my brother, and we are very different. Although we are fond of each other, I moved away from home before he was a teenager and we have never been very close. Lately, my brother has been going through some life changes and doesn't seem to be handling them very well. He flunked out of college last month and is living with my mother. He says he's going to look for a job but then never does. He enrolled at a community college for the summer but shows no interest in registering for classes. This is straining the relationship between my mom and my brother, and I'm worried that my brother might be depressed or have stress problems but not realize it (he has been having trouble eating lately). I would like to talk to him about what is going on and try to help him realize that he needs to do something besides sit at home -- get a job, go back to school, get an internship. He rarely shares his thoughts or feelings, and I'm worried he'll see me bringing this topic up as a form of badgering. What can I do to help him?Worried Sib

DEAR SIB: By all means, check in with your brother -- in person. The worst thing to do would be to hit him with all your questions, theories and recommendations at once. Spend time with him -- outside your mother's home -- and get to know him better.

Having a closer relationship with you could help him more than a list of recommendations about how he needs to fix his life. Ask him open-ended questions. Reflect some understanding, empathy and compassion about his situation. Ask if he will let you assist him. A job -- any job -- would be good for him, but he may not know how to get one.

If he seems depressed, offer to help him find someone to talk to and take him to his appointment. If he has an eating disorder, professional intervention would be necessary.