Stay-at-home dad shuns housework

DEAR AMY: I'm a 23-year-old mother of two. My husband, a plumber, was laid off last August. He was unable to find another well-paying job, so I went to work full time. He decided to stay at home with the kids. I really enjoy my new job. My co-workers are helpful and have even encouraged me to go back to school to complete my degree. My husband feels that being home with the kids is all he needs to do. He doesn't help with dishes, laundry or cleaning at all! I come home to a house that is a complete disaster. If I bring this up, all I get in return is a list of excuses. I have no clue how to explain to him (without starting a huge fight) that I don't have the energy to do my job, come home and clean the house, and go to school. Day care is not an option for us due to numerous factors regarding one of our children's health needs. Help!

--Distressed

DEAR DISTRESSED: Any stay-at-home parent with a full-time working spouse should consider taking care of the household an important part of his or her role.

You and your husband should sit down during a quiet and calm moment and review the list of responsibilities in your household. Engage him in developing an organizational chart for all of you (the kids should also be given reasonable duties).

If he does the shopping, can you do some cooking? Who handles the house, lawn and car maintenance? Who handles bill paying? If you vacuum on Saturdays, can he keep on top of the laundry? If your husband is depressed or stressed by his job loss and duties at home, you may have to help him deal with this so he can be a more effective husband and father.

He would also benefit from connecting with other parents - especially other stay-at-home dads. Check the Web site athomedad.org as a way to start.

You should be willing to consider postponing school to spend more time at home until things are more stable.