Staying in a bad marriage is cowardly

DEAR AMY: My parents divorced when I was a child. My father had an affair. Without a doubt, the divorce was ultimately a good thing for me. My mother was a horrible woman up to the day she died. No amount of counseling would have saved the marriage. My father's second wife (not "the other woman") is a lovely person. Still, my father is an adulterer. It was the "other woman" who gave him the courage to leave. But he did not have the integrity to simply leave a bad marriage for its own sake or for the sake of his children. He was a coward. I've been happily married for 14 years. If that happiness ever goes away and fighting for it does not get it back, I hope I have the character to simply call a lawyer.

--Child of Divorce

DEAR CHILD: For many people, adultery is a marital red herring. A person finds he (or she) is attracted to someone else. The attraction both reflects and causes problems in the marriage. Adultery can be an unconscious and selfish way of forcing an issue that the person otherwise can't seem to face. I agree that this is a cowardly way to behave. I also appreciate your view that sometimes divorce is best for the family. People who stay together at all costs don't seem to realize that it is the kids who ultimately pay the price.

DEAR AMY: Prior to my divorce, my ex made accusations about me to all our friends behind my back. Things turned ugly and I filed for divorce. No one ever asked me what happened and I didn't share. I became the villain and have lost most of my friends. Part of me says that if they chose to believe everything he said, they really weren't my friends to begin with, but it hurts. Short of composing a letter to all of them to let them know what happened, how do I rekindle these friendships?

--Lonely

DEAR LONELY: In divorce, sometimes the person who screeches the loudest keeps the friends. You'll find that people who believe the worst accusations about you without any verification weren't actually friends. The only way to find out where you stand is to ask. There is no need to violate your own privacy. Just say, "I regret the way my ex behaved, but I hope you realize there are two sides to every story, and I want you to know that I'd like to stay friends."